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Chris Radtke tells all.

8.25.2005

My grandma died yesterday. Today I mourn by eating cake and playing Heroclix.

8.04.2005

The NYPD are searching bags on the subways now. The cops didn't find a bomb on me, but they seemed amused by the selection of nerdass shit I was lugging around this morning:

My PSP (with Lumines loaded - Hi-Score: 437,500)
My clip-on shades for my perscription glasses
Five Trade Paperbacks (Supreme Power Vol. 1 and 2, Space Ghost, Powers Vol. 3, Animal Man Vol. 1, Gaimen's 1602)
A red cloth bag with the Atari logo on it. Inside the bag is a West Coast Avengers themed 400-point Heroclix team for tonight's Last Man Standing match)
Eight Heroclix Maps
Dice
My fatguy lunch in a Tupperware container
My copy of today's Post

2.02.2005

I'm a hairy guy; my facial hair grows very fast and very wide. If I let the shit on my face flourish, it grows all the way up to my cheekbones. I've decided to grow just the facial hair on the top of my cheekbones, right below my eyes. It'll be like my eyes will have two sets of eyebrows, one above and one below. I will call this growth my weard...like a beard, but different.

12.15.2004

I saw my new favorite band last night, SOLIVAR! They opened with "No Shirt, No Shoes, No Problem" and closed the show with the epic "Hidden City". I bought a t-shirt, but it's too tight.

12.13.2004

I just got back from a business trip in Canada and had a shitty flight home. Sitting in the seat next to mine was an obese man. Jeez, he was at least 400lbs. The fat fuck had to have the armrests removed from his chair, which allowed his blubber to spill into my seat. i thought it couldn't get any worse, but I was wrong. Fatjack barfed as soon as the plane hit some turbulence. He must have had second-breakfast right before he got on the plane because after he filled his barfbag, he asked to use mine. It was a substantial yield.

12.09.2004

Happy Birthday Teri Hatcher! To celebrate, we went out for sushi and had awesome sex.

12.02.2004

I totally forgot about this shit. No, really.

9.23.2004

I got Simon for my birthday. You know, the old electronic game which lights up and makes noises as you press the big colored buttons in the right sequence. It was awesome playing Simon on the subway this morning going to work.


8.25.2004

My apartment has a tiny little backyard and my landlord said if I wanted to plant a garden I could. I decided to plant a tomato bush. Other than that I have 11 cool-ass gargoyles standing watch over the tomatoes.

8.17.2004

Next week the Republican National Convention hits New York City. I'm sure my commute to work will suck even more thanit already does, but my big fear isn't terrorists. It's the fucking elephants. They smell awful and have huge shits.

8.10.2004

I got on the subway this morning and saw a whole row of empty seats. I was suspicious and sat across from them because this yuppie lady and her friends were pointing and squeeling at the empty row. I asked "What's the problem" and the lady pointed out a HUGE waterbug, I mean it was at least four inches long and it was craling up the subway car wall near the seats. Nobody was doing anything, so I got up to kill it, but when I did, it scurried over this Chinese lady's arm who was oblivious to the whole thing because of the loud hip hop coming from her headphones. When the bug crawled on her she shrieked and the whole train flipped into Terror Attack mode. Some guy next to me stomped the bug on a nearby seat. I sat and read my comic book while at every stop the yuppie lady would warn commuters not to sit in the dead bug guts. When she got off, I was expected to carry her torch and warn folks, but fuck that. I watched as a little girl plopped down into the bug guts at the next stop.

8.09.2004

My girlfriend and I went on a road trip this weekend. After stopping for the fifith time at a highway Road Stop, my girlfriend noted that Road Stops give her the same kind of creeps that Comic Conventions do. I think it was the kid dressed in The Crow make-up and the fat guy in the Kyle Raynor Green Lantern costume.

8.02.2004

Everybody has a goddamned iPod but me. Sucks.

7.27.2004

This weekend was the big Parents Summit.  My parents and my girlfriend's parents met for the first time.  There was a swimsuit competition, a Lazer Tag tournament, chicken-fights and a Bobby Brady type ice cream eating contest here you couldn't use your hands.


7.19.2004

My friend's wife bought three piñatas for my buddy's birthday party this weekend.  She bought them online at a discount.  One of the piñatas, of Jesus, had candy in it.  The second piñata was of a Meatball Hero and it was filled with trial sized toiletries like toothpaste and antacids.  The third piñata was of a cockroach (maybe a beetle).  I busted it open with a mighty TWACK!  to find that it was stuffed with condoms.

7.14.2004

My friend Luke is a fat fuck. He always comes over and eats all my food. The other night he stopped by to watch Jeopardy and asked for something to eat. I told him I was about to make smoothies and he can have some if he'd like. I used mayonnaise instead of vanilla yogurt in his and he quaffed it down in like two gulps. The fat fuck even asked for more!

7.12.2004

I haven't been able to type for about a month now. I was moving the family safe from its former secret hiding place behind the portrait of my Prussian ancestor, Otto von Radtke, to the new hiding place. The safe fell forward and landed on my right hand. I haven't been able to type or practice my basketball finger twirling.

6.16.2004

My girlfriend and I got engaged this past weekend. I proposed to her after we saw GARFIELD: THE MOVIE. She's a big Garfield fan and collects Garfield merchandise and memorabilia. She wants to have a Garfield wedding. That may clash with my Star Wars themed wedding plans. We'll have to compromise.

6.04.2004

My old man and I hit the free lunch buffet at Flashdancers today. There's nothing like a hot buffet and hot chicks. They have the best jalepeno poppers. But, I'm such a spaz sometimes; I spilled a whole plate of ziti on my shirt while getting my second lapdance.

5.26.2004

My grandmother recently moved out of her house and gave me all sorts of crap she didn't want anymore. I got a megaphone, old fashioned computer machine, old photos of strange dead relatives and best of all a box of wigs. Since I'm bald, and I don't remember hair, the wigs have brought excitement into my life. I like to wear different wigs each day now. Yesterday I wore a black curly wig to work. Today I wore a long blonde wig to my racquetball game. Tomorrow I'll wear the beehive to my book club...we'll be discussing the DiVinci Code.

5.25.2004

I still can't believe it, but I met David Lee Roth last night at the Harlem Boy's Circus! He was buying this superhot lady a soft pretzel at the snack booth. I had to tell him just how fucking awesome he is and that he would have made a much cooler Qui-Gon Jinn in the Star Wars prequels. I asked him if he wanted to go do bong hits after the circus, but he said he couldn't because he had an orgy to referee.

5.19.2004

This week some friends and I decided to visit the Middle Village Renaissance Fair in upstate New York. It took us forever to drive up there, but once we arrived we donned our homemade West coast Avengers costumes and explored the fairgrounds pretending we were stuck in a cross-time adventure. Some of the medieval nerds recognized our obscure superhero costumes and played along, even offering to help us locate Dr. Doom's stolen time-travel device that could send us back home...but most thought we were ruining the illusion by mixing genres.

5.10.2004

This past weekend some friends and I took a trip to Sagamore Hill, the home of Theodore Roosevelt. The sprawling lawn needed to be cut and it gave the place a haunted look. While wandering the grounds we came across the Roosevelt Family Pet Cemetary. Few people realize that Ted R. had an iguana named Lasiter Scalesbaugh II, a pair of Austrian War Hounds that he called The Fang Brothers and a crippled ape that was known only as X-18.

4.29.2004

I love to air guitar. It's the coolest of the air instruments. When I hear a cool riff I just want to air guitar it up! My friend Mike likes to air bass, but it's not as cool. But air bass is better than air drums, people who air drum look like idiots. I sometimes air keyboard when I hear a good Genesis song and I once air saxaphoned to the sax solo in you Belong to the City by Glenn Fry.

4.27.2004

I ran into this guy I went to grade school with today at the White Castle. Merril and I used to be in the same cub scouts troupe. He didn't recognize me at first, he said with a chuckle, because I lost all my hair. So, I then asked him if he remembered the time the cub scouts busted him and Louis DeRiso playing "Pinch Peenies" behind the compost pile. He got all embarrassed and walked away from me muttering that I was still an asshole.

4.20.2004

Today is 4/20.
AAARRRRRRRRRROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!
I spilt bongwater on my pants during breakfast.

4.19.2004

Every Moonday night is Vampire Night at my favorite bar, The Rodeo Clown. The Rodeo Clown is a honkytonk country bar, but on Vampire Night, two worlds collide in a miasma of bollo ties and fake fangs. Once a week I get to hang tough in my black cowboy hat with the large pewter skull on the band. I wear black leather trousers, I have spurs on my combat boots and I wear a black velvet cape. Killian's Red is the two-for-one drink special (I guess because it is the most blood-like beer?) and at midnight we all dance to The Devil Went Down to Georgia because that's the mutha of Goth Country Western songs.

4.13.2004

I just found out that the retarded cart guy from my childhood local supermarket has passed away. Mikey was the cart guy at the store for 23 years; I remember being afraid of him when I was a little kid when the store first opened. He was a fixture in the town. He always said hello to you with a toothless smile and he asked every woman that shopped in the store out on a date because to him they were all pretty. I used to work at the store when I was in high school and we became close. Beneath his retarded, horny exterior (face it, most retards are really horny) was a tender, precious soul. Once, he climbed into the garbage masher to rescue a baby rat. Another time he lent me 100 bucks, just because I asked. He was good at his job, too. He would be able to push a column of carts that were 15 carts long! I'll miss you Mikey, you deserve a bronze statue in your honor in that now lonely parking lot.

4.12.2004

I manage a new band. They are called The Preggers. I found them at the YMCA's talent show and signed them up right away. They are four teenage girls who play their own instruments. Only one of them is actually pregnant; the others stuff pillows under their shirts. I just spend my girlfriend's tax return on some studio time to record their debut CD, Blood of the Month. This shit is going to rock harder than Tull!

4.06.2004

Fuck you, Bingo Dust! Man, I can't stand that guy; always hanging out in the cul-de-sac eating his sandwiches and talking his bullshit. When it comes to being a dick, he does all the fucking!

4.01.2004

Today was April Fool's Day. I had a friend of mine call my mother and tell her he was from the NYPD. He told her that I was one of five people slain in a gangland shootout at the notorious gay bar, Fluffanutter's, last night. I was allegedly a Button Man for New York's Gay Mob and that my death was a good thing for the city. I was known in crime circles as "the Mink Santa" because of my penchant for mink Santa suits. My idiot friend hung up and forgot to say "April Fools". It took me hours for me to reach her to tell her the truth; she fainted and broke her arm when she fell and was taken to the hospital.

3.29.2004

I love pretzel rods. I like to nibble the salt off first, like I'm eating corn on the cob. Then when I have a saltless, damp rod I like to munch the whole thing down as fast as I can. I've been doing this at work for the past half hour. I've eaten ten rods and my boss just asked me to go home for the day. Later, suckers!

3.27.2004

I've been in the hospital for the past few days. I had just got back from my trip to Vegas and while I was on an escalator at the airport, somebody lost grip of their luggage and it fell on top of me, causing me to tumble down the escalator. At the base of the escalator the flab on my arm got caught in the groove at the bottom of the escalator where your mom always told you to jump over as a kid. Mom was right, that shit is dangerous. It took a big chunk of flesh off my arm and I had to be rushed to the emergency room. I was fine after a day, but because my health insurance hadn't kicked in yet, I couldn't pay the bill. I had to stay at the hospital for a few days to work off the bill by holding down kids in the pediatric wing while they got shots.

3.16.2004

I leave for Las Vegas tomorrow morning. I've never been there before. I'm going to Vegas for a Dungeons and Dragons convention. I hope they don't give me a hard time at the airport. I'll be dressed as my 10th level Paladin, Duke Gloryaxe.

3.14.2004

I have this huge boil-like zit thing that has been festering on my inner thigh all week. It hurt and throbbed as it grew more powerful and gross. It was uncomfortable to walk as it rubbed against my boxerbriefs. I was forced to walk like a crippled cowboy all week. The growth hadn't grown a head yet, so it was virtually unpopable. This morning I took a thumbtack and heated it over a lighter to sterilize it. Then I carefully punctured the thin layer of skin that contained the painful jucie inside. It made a hissing noise, but nothing leaked. I pinched the boil-like zit and a putrid mixture of blood and cream shot out like unmixed strawberry yogurt being shot from a Supersoaker. I can't wear pants, so I had to skip church today.

3.08.2004

My friend has this strange power to get dogs all riled up. She walks past a dog, gushes some cutesy talk and the doggies start wiggling. She grabs them and mushes them up and squeels and the dogs go apeshit. She was trying to prove this to me the other night as we walked down the street. Dog after dog she worked her magic on. Then we came upon this bulldog. She went over to him and and he ignored her. Mr. Bulldog could care less. She tried so hard, but nothing. But his meatball owner seemed to get into it and and he got all wiggly and started to slobber. My friend got creeped out and we walked away quickly.

2.29.2004

This weekend was the debut of my new puppetshow, The Butter Eruption. The show was part of Neighborhood Day at our local Synagogue and the basement of the place was packed with kids. The Butter Eruption consisted of me crouched down behind a box and I would hold up fistfulls of butterpats, you know the ones wrapped in gold foil that you get at a diner to butter your rolls with. The butter had been sitting out for a while and were nicely mushy. I would ask the kids from behind the box "Hey Kids! Who wants a Butter Eruption?" The kids would scream and I would hold the butterpat up like it was a puppet and mush them , erupting butter all over my hairy hands. The kids roared and I should have won an award for Best Puppetshow in the World.

2.25.2004

I was on a game show this past weekend. Prize Attack! is a game show that runs on Bronx public access. Two contestants go head to head asking each other questions (you come up with your own questions). The first contestant to answer five questions correctly moves to the bonus round. During the bonus round you are supposed to punch four different targets. Each target is made of a different material; one was made of sandpaper, the other styrofoam, another was made of plastic and the last one was made of clay. If you can punch all the way through the target you win a prize. I was able to punch through two targets and I won a vintage Members Only jacket and one of those giant bulk packages of paper towels you get at those wholesale supermarket places.

2.19.2004

I went to the International Toy Fair this week. I got to see all sorts of wierd-ass shit. There is a new line of action figures coming out this year based on the 80's B-movies of the Barbarian Brothers. There was a guy who was selling toy robots made of soap called Sudsbots. This year's new trend in toys are quirky dolls for girls, my two favorites being the Fashion Orcs line of collectable dolls and the Nunz hip-hop Christian dolls. The worst toys were anything that had to do with sports.

2.14.2004

Rats are a fact of life. They are so gross; just fucking and eating in thier own filth behind your walls. When you do see them, it's only because they want you to see them. They want to remind you how fucking nasty they are and they'll fuck with you by just being a rat. I stepped on a rat the other night. Walking home, I stepped on a crumbled up piece of newspaper that was this rat's hideout. The rat squeeked in rage when I came down on him with all my hundreds of pounds. I was grossed out by the boingy-bouncey action you get by stepping down hard on a fat, hairy sausage of a rat. So I screamed and got all tip-toed as the rat took off all pissed that I trashed his newspaper rat fort.

2.10.2004

My friend Jed was recently interviewed for a PBS documentary about New York musicians. I told him what I would say if I was interviewed:
"Music is like a bunch of America, but as sound" or
"Who ever first sang in New York made a million bucks" or
"If emotions could sing, they would never sing about New York" or
"When I think of how guitars sound in New York I think it must be time to go".
Jed opted to ignore my suggestions and talked about percussion instead.

2.07.2004

I went to a party last night. I knew I was only going to know a handful of people there, so to endear myself to the guests, I brought enough balloons to make balloon animals for everybody. I'm not sure if the guests were all that impressed with their stupid Prada cologne and their fancy hats and tight shirts. So I didn't feel so bad when I was out of breath and dizzy from blowing up so many balloons. I was so dizzy, I threw up in my hand.

2.02.2004

I had been lazy about getting a new shower curtain, so I've been using an old bed sheet instead. It was a stupid move, the sheet never really dries that well and now it smells all musty and gross.

2.01.2004

I went to a cousin's sweet16 party this weekend. They hired a guy to "run" the party. He was a thirty year old with tight pants and a microphone. He would yell and clap and call my elderly aunts "Party People". He was paid to flirt with the sixteen year old partygoers and he even got a free meal out of it. That's a great job; I wish I looked better in tight pants.

1.30.2004

Each morning my girlfriend welcomes the day by opening the blinds in our living room. After she lets the sunshine in, she then goes through her morning routine of showering and getting herself all dolled up for work at Plastique, the adult toy shop she owns with her sisters. This morning while she was in the shower, the phone started ringing. I was screening the call when I heard my grandmother's voice on the other end of the line. Grumbly, I jumped out of bed to get the phone so I could yell at granny for calling so godamned early. My landlord was putting out the trash and walked by the window and saw me talking on the phone to Grandma. Now he knows I sleep naked. I hope he didn't see my morning wood.

1.27.2004

Last night at play rehearsal I split my pants while practicing one of my dance numbers. It made a loud ripping noise when they split and everybody stopped their routine. The costume designer was really annoyed because it took her forever to find those pants in the first place. I guess it's tough to find sequenced short-shorts in a size 42.

1.22.2004

When I lived in Truckload, Nebraska my friends Hardy, Duff and I owned a paintball target range. It used to be the old Strike Three batting range which we bought from old man Harper for a little over a grand. We left up all the nets and cages and shit and the gimmick was that you paid us 10 bucks and you stood in the batting cages and got to shoot live targets and wierd stuff like meat hung from strings, Smurfs lined up ontop of an old TV that was turned to Telemundo and mayonaise jars filled with bugs. We'd dress up in costumes and heckle the shooters while they took shots at us. I used to dress up as a robot with a costume I made form old boxes that I spraypainted silver. Hardy wore one of those sumo wrestler fatsuits with a motorcycle helmet to protect his head. Duff would sell Fla-Vor-Ice for a buck a piece in the parking lot. We did all right until a tornado wrecked everything.

1.21.2004

I bite my nails. Not just the nails, but the skin around the nail. I actually prefer the skin to the nail pieces. I feel like that serpent who eats his tail. I bit my nail/skin so deeply today that I started to bleed. I didn't realize i was bleeding until I got blood all over my shirt. I looked at my finger and it was covered with dry blood. I'm a gross, creepy, serpent of a guy.

1.16.2004

I have this really cool Spider-Man costume that I got a few Halloweens ago. I wore it to my Judo class last night because my Judogi was dirty and needed to be washed. Sensei Ironhawk didn't appreciate it and as punishment made me square up against Judith, the pre-teen Sankyu, who beat my ass infront of everybody. Senei Ironhawk was hopping-mad when I said to Judith after my asswhipping, "Sankyu very much".

1.15.2004

It's very very cold today. Everything is icy. While walking to the subway this morning, I slipped on a patch of ice and fell. I was carrying a bundle of clothes I was going to take to the Salvation Army and everything fell into a snowbank and got all filthy. Some kids laughed at me; I was embarrassed, so I scooped up the clothes and shoved them back into the bag I was carrying them in. When I got to the Salvation Army, I offered them a bag of snowsoaked clothes and they turned me down becasue the clothes were so wet. I went to the Toys R Us that was a block away and left the bundle of wet clothes in the action figure isle while I looked at wrestling figures.

1.14.2004

I almost bought a crossbow today. Instead, I bought an extra sandwich at lunch. The crossbow would have been cool. I could have shot cans in my basement or shot enemies, but I was pretty hungry today and crossbows are very expensive.

1.08.2004

I almost got mugged today. Sheesh, I'm still shaking. This fat guy in a big jacket and dirty pants got up in my face and was all like "Give me your money! I'w shank you, give me tha money now!" I ran awayfrom him, runing as fast as I can. I ran all the way home till I was safe as a bitch.

1.05.2004

I say fuck bosses. I'm tired of getting fired from places. This time I'm going into business for myself. Get ready for Speedy Chip, Brooklyn's only potato-chip delivery service! I found a freelance chippery who is going to partner with me to make four kinds of chips to sell; Salt and Vinegar, Southern Bar-B-Q, Plain Potato Chip Flavor and Chicken Corn Chowder. The deal is, you order a bag of chips and we'll deliver that shit in like fifteen or twenty minutes. We also have sodas for a dollar.

1.01.2004

I got shitcanned from my new job this holiday season. I started a good old fashioned wastepaper basket fire by smoking at my desk. They got pissed I was smoking in the office, but once the fire started they flipped the fuck out.

12.23.2003

Seasons Beatings, everyone. I'm going on vacation. Although my first choice was to spend the holidays at Space Camp, I was vetoed and now my girlfriend and I are going to Rochester for a week to visit her parents.

12.21.2003

Last night I went out to dinner with my family. We went to a place called The Rose Cottage. When you walk in the front door of the place, you are hit with a blast of rose-smelling air. There's a little machine that dispenses the flavored air every time the door is opened. It's very pleasant. Soon after we got comfortable at our table, a large group of loudmouth goobahs and their dolled up wives were seated next to us. I overheard one of the ladies comment on how lovely the smell was when they walked in. One of the jooch husbands replied, "I was in a whorehouse in France once where it smell't just like dat."

12.19.2003

They announced the plans for the new Worlds Trade Center today. If I was boss of America, I would buld an enormous golden cannon in that spot.

12.16.2003

Today is the mega screening of all three Lord of the Rings movies shown consecutively. That's over 12 hours of Middle Earth funtime. At first I wanted to be there, but after giving it some thought, I had to sit this one out. Imagine, sitting in a dark theater filled with sweaty Tolkien fans, who are eating nothing but popcorn and candy and I'm sure several hippy hobbit lovers will take off their shoes to get more comfortable. That theater is going to stink worse than the Dead Marshes!

12.13.2003

In the Battle of Dangerous Plants, who would win? The Venus Flytrap or Poison Ivy? Doesn't really matter, Poison Sumak would kick all their asses.

12.08.2003

It's bear hunting season in New Jersey. Jersey has been infested with bears and the mayor of New Jersey has commanded his people to kill as many bears as they can. My Uncle Glenn set a mother bear and her three cubs on fire this morning. I told him to try killing them with poison next time, so he can save the pelts for me. I want to make a bear costume for Halloween next year made from real bear.

12.07.2003

I went to a Christmas party this weekend. Everybody was excited about the grab bag. I contributed my favorite Slayer album, Reign in Blood, to the gift exchange. When it was my turn to pull out a gift, I went for the biggest, heaviest gift in there. I pulled out two Duraflame logs.

12.03.2003

When I get on the subway each morning, I usually get a seat. Sitting across from me today was a businesslady drinking her coffee and reading The New York Times. Before the train arrived at the next stop, she purposely dribbled a splash of hot coffee onto the seat next to her. Quickly, the train packed to uncomfortableness but nobody would sit in the wet coffee seat. The businesslady had plenty of room to read her paper today, while hundreds of commuters crammed around her during the morning rush.

12.02.2003

I had taken my favorite boots to the cobbler last week to be re-soled. On my way to work this morning I planned on picking them up. I wore my flip flops instead of sneakers so when I got my boots I could just put my flip flops in my satchel and they wouldn't be a drag to lug around. Too bad the shoemaker is closed on Tuesdays. Now I'm at work in my suit, argile socks and flip flops. Even worse, there's a new employee starting today who I have to train.

12.01.2003

I bought a shitload of Christmas lights yesterday. Across the front of my apartment, I wrote out in lights, "CHRISTMAS RULEZ". It was so awesome. When it got dark, and my landlord saw what I did, he knocked on my door and asked me to take it all down. He pointed out that I spelled "CHRISTMAS" wrong...I spelled it "CHRISMAS". Big deal!?! But my spelling mistake wasn't why he wanted me to take it down; he said it looked stupid. I think he's a Satanist, that's gotta be why he's not down with Christmas lights. Satanists are the worst. They have Halloween, so why can't they just leave Chirstmas alone?

11.25.2003

If there ever was a superstar that I would want to hang out with, it would have to be David Lee Roth. He'd pick me up in his monstertruck and we'd drive down to the beach. There, we'd meet hot twins who will want to surf and make out with us. At night we would smoke his primo Calie bud and rock out. Oh yeah...the whole time we'd be wearing assless pants.

11.21.2003

Today I saw a midget. He climbed out of a television box. I think he was homeless. Being a midget homeless guy has it's advantages. You can live in smaller boxes so there's more variety to choose from. Normalsized homeless guys usually can just use refridgerator boxes.

11.20.2003

I bought the Lost in Translation soundtrack the other day. I found the bonus track this morning...it's Bill Murray's kareoke song from the movie (More Than This, I think originally from Roxy Music). I think Bill Murray is my favorite actor of all time. Here are some of his best quotes off the top of my head:

"That's the facts, Jack!" - Stripes
"It's in the hole." - Caddyshack
"Never tell me the odds!" - Empire Strikes Back
"Yes, this man has no dick." - Ghostbusters
"Fuck you Richard Dreyfus, you whiney runt of a prick." - What about Bob?
"I'll have one of those." - Rushmore

11.18.2003

It's my turn to cook dinner tonight. We're in for a treat, I'm making my special peanutbuter and jelly sandwiches. What makes them special? Instead of using normal bread, I use hot dog rolls!

11.17.2003

Happy Life Day!
Today is the 25th Anniversary of the first and only airing of the Star Wars Holiday Special. Star Wars nerds know the historic significance of the Holiday Special, for this was the first appearance of the mighty Boba Fett; about a year before Episode Five hit the screens in 1980. It featured Chewbacca's family and their preparations for some Wookiee bullshit called Life Day where they appreciate trees. Han and Chewie were supposed to return home, but the Imperials are everywhere and it is uncertain if they'll be able to sneak home before the celebration is over. Chewie's son, Lumpy, has all sorts of 70's variety show adventures with guest stars Bea Arthur, Art Carney, Harvey Corman and Marcel Marceau. I remember being super amped about this as a kid, and when it aired 25 years ago, I was bedridden with an awful flubug. I'll never forget watching it, because I threw-up about four times in the course of the two hours it was on.

11.16.2003

A friend of mine has this book that tells the measurements of celebrity penises. Roger Moore, River Pheonix, Danny Cooksey, Don Knotts, Stephen King, Mick Mars, Ray "Boom Boom" Mancini, Hugo Weaving and Kirk Cameron all have smaller dicks than me. Frank Oz, Dean Stockwell, Ewan McGregor, Harry Hamlin, Jonathan Taylor Thomas, Howie Long, Lord Alfred Hayes and RuPaul all have bigger cocks than this guy. I looked fo him, but Gilbert Godfried wasn't listed. I bet he's hung like a Stegosaurus.

11.14.2003

i'm drunk at work again. This job is the fucking best. I think I'm going to go get a massage now from the Yummy Tokyo Feel Good Parlor up the block.

11.11.2003

Last night I went to a double feature, American Splendor/Revenge of the Nerds hosted by Harry Knowles from Aint it Cool News. Actors from both movies showed up and it was great to see both of these movies again. Only problem was that in the theater next to ours they were showing an All the Right Moves/Any Given Sunday double feature, and during their intermission, all the jocks came storming into our theater screaming "Nerds!!!!". They spilled popcorn buckets, dumped sodas on heads and tried to sodomize the freshmen during a hazing ritual. Stupid jocks. I hate them so much.

11.07.2003

Tonight, I'm going to go see the movie Elf. IT stars Will Farrell and is directed by John Faveraeu. From what I hear it's the story of a Wood Elf named Quel'Thal'tinerus who ventures from the Mosswoods to the city of Hammerdale. There he befriends a halfling thief, Socket, who accompanies Quel'Thal'tinerus on his journey. Together, the two friends set out for the adventure of their lives! They encounter the venomous Wyvrn King while trying to rescue the alluring Drow princess, Allorah Inkblud from his deadly sacrifice ceremony! The heroes outwit the Shambling Mound brothers, Twig and Stick, to retrieve the legendary Wand of Entanglement! They tame a pack of Displacer Beasts while trying to avoid the savage orcish hordes of the Warlord of Revenge! And I hear at the end there is a big battle where Quel'Thal'tinerus squares off against Yeenoghu, the Demon Lord of Knolls atop icy Mount Illspire.

I am a big fat sweaty fucking nerd.
.

11.06.2003

Sometimes I really wish superheroes were real. Especially Moon Knight.

11.04.2003

Last night I watched part of that new reality show Average Joe. The twist with this one is that the hot girl has to choose from 20 nerdass dorks. She was tricked into thinking she was going to get a fleet of bohunks to choose from; you had to see her, she was all squirming and cooing thinking of all the studly horsecock she was going to mount. Suddenly, her lusty dreams were shattered when all the nerds were exposed to her. Ha ha. I would have macked so hard on that show.

11.03.2003

We bought a couch this weekend. We drove out to Strong Island to buy it at one of the warehouse outlet centers they have out there. We bought it from Seth's Kustom Kouch Kingdom and although we paid a lot of money for it, it will be like no other couch you've ever seen. It is in the shape of a Chinese dragon. On the left armrest is the head and you can open it's mouth up to store your TV remotes and TV Guides. The right side armrest is the tail, which swoops around in front and acts as a footrest. The fabric is fake leather with a reptile skin pattern. My girlfriend wanted to buy the couch that looked like big lips, but I thought that was too cliche. I hope the fucker fits in the door.

10.31.2003

Today is Halloween. I used to love this holiday. I stole about 50 bucks worth of office supplies from my new job over the past week and that's what I plan on giving to the trickortreaters in Brooklyn tonight. I hope they find the post-its, staple removers and dry-erase markers fun and safe. It's better than what my mom used to give out....five pennies wrapped in cellophane. What kind of cheap shit is that?

10.27.2003

My cat likes to hangout in the bathroom when either my girlfriend or I are taking a poop. She sits on the counter and stares at you while you're doing your business. I thought letting her sniff the used toilet paper would make her want to leave, but she didn't seemed to mind. So now I think it's only fair that I get on my hands and knees and watch her while she shits. She doesn't like that too much, but too bad, cat.

10.26.2003

My girlfriend and I went to a Holloween thingee at the Brooklyn Botanical Gardens today. It was mostly families and their little ones dressed up for the holiday. The costumes I saw today were:
Lots of Hulks
Lots of Spider-Men
One toddler was dressed as a pregnant woman
A few Cats in Hats
One little black kid dressed as Christ
A centaur
Several Dorothies
A classic pirate
And one litttle kid in a wheelchair dressed as a ladybug....actually, maybe it was a stroller.

10.22.2003

I started a new job on Tuesday. I sell inflatable floats to parades and fairs. This year's big seller is a pink hippo dressed as a ninja (don't ask, the floats are made in Japan). They have some adult themed ones too; like a naked black lady and a cock. I would like to go to those parades.

10.20.2003

Fuck you. Don't read this shit.

10.19.2003

We have to go to a wedding today. A wedding on a Sunday night. What were these people thinking??? I'm not happy about going...we're missing Alias! It's for a family friend that I am not close to or will probably not see again until my wedding (which she better fucking come to because I expect my gift reciprocation, you know?).

10.18.2003

My girlfreind and I went to Flushing, Queens today. We met up with two of my oldest friends, Jimmy and Felix Fan, and ate dim sum. After the meal we went and bought Chinese groceries. I bought some very expensive beef jerky and gummy apple candy.

9.26.2003

I went to the Museum of Natural History today. A fat kid climbed behind the ropes that corralled the Triceratops skeleton and tried pulling out the left shankbone. A guard saw this and shot the kid with a taser gun. It's pretty funny to see a fat kid get tasered. I think he peed himself. I don't know if the fat kid's mom was more angry at him or the security guard.

9.18.2003

It was my birthday today. I got the Led Zepplin DVD that I wanted from my girlfriend. The best part of the DVD is when Robert Plant screams "My name is Stryder" at the end of one of their Lord of the Rings themed songs. I didn't get laid; my girlfriend is on the rag.

8.10.2003

There was a street fair in Brooklyn today. I ran into Barry and his roomate Klaus while my girlfriend was buying a sombrero for her sister for her birthday. Barry was quick to tell me that Klaus had a threesome last night with two women from his AA group. Klaus is a pretty ugly dude, so I'm suprised these two women had sex with him without the aid of alcohol. Go Klaus, you ugly fuck!

7.07.2003

I sold a bunch of my old shoes to the kid who lives across the street today. That kid is a fucking idiot. Most of the shoes were really old and smelly, but I don't care; I can buy a pellet gun now.

6.13.2003

I started my blog on Friday the 13th of June.

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